The 'What If’s' of Home…

What if I’ve changed? What if I’m so drastically different than the people from back home remember me as? Is it a good change? Or a bad one? Am I growing, maturing? Am I a bad friend? Am I portraying someone I’m not, who I wish to be? Or perhaps that wish is true, but I’m unable to bring parts of the past with me? Do I want to be who I was before?

When I see my family, my friends soon when I visit home, how will it be? What will be true, in regards to such questions? Will it be awkward, weird? I feel like I’ve changed, grown. Life is a whole lot different now, and it’s fruitful, but also bittersweet. I want to portray that I’m well, that things are good, which for the most they are. But there are those intrusive thoughts that come to bite me when it hurts every so often. Those moments, like tonight, are where I become lost in my overthinking thoughts. Driving home on my own tends to do that.

I don’t intend for this to be depressing; I intend to be real. I can openly admit I’m not perfect, and neither is my life. I miss home, my family, friends, and parts of what life used to be. But I know I’m not that younger girl anymore. I hate the change that I’ll be met with in a month. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, one that still nags, and one that I’m sure will continue to do so in waves when I visit. Yet, there’s so much to be grateful for. I’ve got a good husband, family, friends, and community. I’m learning to do things differently, and to embrace the growth within me.

I hope, when I visit, I’ll be overwhelmed with the gratefulness of my past, which built who I am today. I’ll be able to embrace the nostalgia, and not be overwhelmed with the “what if’s”. I pray that through the change being instilled in me, that the Lord will use it for his glory, for His plan for me and whomever else He’ll use me to impact.

I’m thankful for the ability to write, to share, and to let my thoughts be transformed from scribbles into stories. I hope these words reach someone who needs to hear it, as much as me.